LOSE and GAIN (Truth Behind the Mask) [ P O E M ]

My heart glows like a glimmering light
Where in the midst of darkness shines
Joy casts out all over its corner
With every flowering word you uttered.

Miles and miles keep us entirely apart
But it feels like you're always right next at my side
You stay in my heart whenever I might
The "I love you's" you said strike like lightning inside.

I miss your care and sweetness
Those laughter and talks we used to share
To be with you for a second might like reaching the moon
But I keep the pieces of faith I hold

Days turn to years unnoticed
Not missing any second without your thoughts in me
The love you've shown is something I truly cherish
Keeping me, you said, is your greatest wish.

Moments of revelation do come more often
My mouth falls disbelievingly
You confess one secret then another
Accepting is hard like getting off from a ton of rocks under.

Hundred kinds of pain all over
Thousand of tears run down like river
Those are nothing for each others' vows
Certainly love does conquers all.

Disturbing heart and mind battles
You said you've forgotten her
I believe you because trust is all I offer
But a part of me says, no-not yet-never!

Your past troubles me night by night
Drift in the depths of thoughts
Wondering and seeking for answers
Frightened to know which are lies and truth.

We argue and exchange heartaches
The issue just blown up like a boom!
Your words are like bombs in my head
Ashes suffocate me slowly

"I TRIED to make distance with her
But why when it comes to her you act
so strangely? Look! She's nice."
These statements are like in dilapidated CD
That keeps on repeating, sinking in my memory

Unmindful question never knowing the wounds
Intense cuts and stabs it bears
My core is trembling and shaking in pain
Leaving all bitter words unsaid

Doubts start to play in mind
Questioning this love you have
"Am I truly alone in there?"
"Are your words true or you lied through your teeth?

Typhoons of doubts grows stronger
Crashing through the building of trust I build
Powerhouse of love weakens; energy loosens
Unstoppable rainfall covers my whole being.

My heart cries out painfully
"Why? Why?", it's all I can ask
Asking further might turn me sick and numb
While I'm completely drawn in big cubes of ice.

If 3 years is a sort of a game for you...
Mouth closely shut, eyes showing tears
Tears fall down my cheeks once more
While seeing my dominoes of dreams fall

On top of mountain high
Standing alone, wanting to shout with despair
Yell out until you hear my cries and sobs
I only hear the echoes disappear from a far

"Oh, Lord! Hear my heart--- crying
All I need is YOU near
Put me out from this never-ending chaos
To see more the beauty of life still untold.

I see a hand touching my chin
With the wound on His palm
I know it's Him, then I closed my eyes
As my heart cries of relief and delight.

"Oh, my dear child, here I am.
Shed those tears, I will never leave."
His Hand cast off my tears
Who my thirsty soul and weak heart seek

I look up and see the bright blue sky
I smile with hope; a heart with love
A spirit with a life reborn
I know and I feel that I'm never alone.

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Bottomline:

I wrote this last 24th of July and revised it every night. It's quite TOO long, right? For me, it's fine. But I hope you will not be pissed off of its length. :)

More often, I cant express myself through spoken words but maybe this poem helps out for me to do so. Keeping it more is not doing any good, but saying it sometimes hurts more. Admitting that we [you and me] are parting ways with NO official words nor goodbyes is painful --- as swallowing a stone.

I don't think that it's only me who felt this pain, maybe you also felt same way. Just wanna let you know, I ain't mad at you. I understand. I respect your decisions. I will STOP hoping for nothing.

I don't have the courage to open this thing up to my dearest peers, because thinking of the words to say, of the emotions I feel-- it drifts me off.

Take care of yourself. I know you'll be fine because she's just right next your side, ready to check you if you're fine or not. :|

I'll be OK. :)

Unfinished Quest

Dreams in mind and actions at heart
Possess strong spirit to live by
He who never gives up in times of frail,
When darkness strikes, he believes
dawn awaits.

Struggles of life come and go
Eat the wicked and seize the weak soul
But strengthen the soul full of hope and spirit
World turns upside down but a heart full of
faith will never lose the fight.

Dawn is a never-ending hope to believe in
Unchangeable mistakes can still be corrected;
Wasted time has no rewinds nor retakes
But chances are just around the corners to seek.

Move it! Do it while there's still time!
Chances are opportunities not to be missed
Sweet evening dew reminisces nostalgic moments
Lonely times can kill a heart and feel breathing as lifeless.

He who never fails to dream and believe will survive!
For life is a long battle of losses and fights
He who never tries is a failure of his own
For trying is better than to miss the passing time.

Life is full of ways and turns
Routes in chaos to take; ways to stumble and break
But for a believing heart who say,
"I can make it! I'll get through! Ill get by!"
On God-given time will gain all the crops and smile.

AGONY OF A BROKEN HEART(poem)

I fought for the one I chose to love, but he gave me up.

I tried to be strong to save the realtionship we used to have.

I fought because it was him the alone the man I loved the most.

Happiness overflew my heart when he was mine, but when he chose to leave me my world changed into dark.

My eyes showed tears of pain, my heart cried in vain.

My world was in a sudden grief by my own fate.

A sullen despair that I tried to compel in time,

But dealing with these trials and burden were my hardest times.

He left with still love for me; questionable heart spoke before me...

"Why he had to do this? Why he had to leave?"

My mind knew to comprehend but my heart couldn't feel anything.

I felt my whole being fell apart, letting the dawn and twilight witnessed by sight.

Life is the challenge itself, live it up well the best it can

Love might have forsaken me & have been cruel in the end.

Gd has better plans along the creek, a better future ahead.

He gave the mest love for me, nothing but the best yet still lost it.

Each breath I breathe seemed a knife that cut off the precious gem I kept inside.

Breathing slowly ripped off my senses within.

Slowly dying because of burden, pain & despair.

"Living dead" probably described what I was on that moment.

Months had gone past, nothing has changed.

Until one day came...

Hard times & heartaches must not be reasons to lose the fight

Rather consider those as positive stuffs that come to life.

I mustn't loss hope because I might be completely defeated.

Heartaches shouldn't be reason to stop the turning but rather factor to keep  going and fighting.

"GOD is really GREAT! His love is incomparable.

He is a symbol of a good Father who's willing to give a hand to His daughter.

No one can live without Him because without Him life is meaningless at all.

Human needs Him same as we need air to bridge our lives.

Bottomline:

         Know what's about this poem? Well, I wrote this when my boyfriend and I broke up almost months and months before. I couldn't remember the exact date. It's sooo sad to think and feel being lonely and far the one you love. And more painful it seems to be when he left you without even telling why he has to. :[[ I just want to post it out here. 

REALITY

            You can never assure that what you hold now would always be yours. Life was never meant that way. Everything has endings, we just can’t be sure that it will be a happy ending, sometimes sour and painful when remembered. But it can also be a successful one ending in terms of studies, work and achieving dreams. Life always lead to death; relationships would lead to break ups and cool offs; marriage leads to divorce or annulment. What make all the difference is on how things and situations are handled and solved— it’s how a person deals with life. Live your life as you want it to be but always remember that in things we do, it always correspond consequences.

                Suffering has endings. God never wants us to suffer. It is us who put ourselves in vain, burden, misery, sorrow, pain, frustration and all kinds of negative aura in human. In our lives, we are given two choices: the right and wrong tracts. The right path is the path along with God. Because with God, we can find peace, love, triumph and happiness while we’re living our lives in this complicated world. While on the other hand, the wrong tract is the reverse of all on the first tact. Life isn’t always convenience. Never think that as you choose the first tract, immediately you’ll have all the good things. Challenges arise anytime. Which way would you choose?

                He gives us challenges and trials to make us strong so that we have enough courage and strength to stand from where we fall. We must be ready to face any obstacle along the way as we keep on living on this world. He makes us fall sometimes to let us know that we must not forget that there is still Someone up there who is superior among all kings, emperors and royal faces. He gives us reasons to cry to know that it’s not always “beds of roses”. It also helps to make us grow and see what is right from wrong. There are times we don’t see imperfections where we think seem to be perfect but “nothing or anyone is “really perfect”. Especially when you have all the goods and wealth of life: money, luxurious rides, nice and big houses, updated gadgets that make ‘life is worth living. Practically speaking, who wouldn’t want these all? I, myself, dream of having this material world. “Convenience is the perfect word of description.

                As the word rotates, after the day—darkness covers the land but dawn waits to see the grace of the rising sun. Days pass by for years; then years to decades and centuries. In every tick of the clock things might change immediately. We will just be surprised and say: “are these all true?” As a person grows older, his views and principles change on his ways of deciding things on life.

                I can’t picture what my life will be 5 to 10 years from now. What kind of job will I be hired? Would it be what I really dreamed of as I start making my dreams? Whom will I spend my life with?

                Always praise God for His doings. God has plans for us. What we experience is under His plans. Be confident enough!—Let Him maneuver our lives. Things happen for a reason. Just have the faith…keep it with us all the time.

                Lift the entire burden to Him. He can comfort us more than comfort hugs can give to us. His care makes us safe and guarded from too much pain.

God is Light. He gives shine and light when we feel lonely, alone and hopeless. Our lives might be covered by darkness..No hope, no peace, no love. Know what’s wrong with us? We keep our hearts closed, tightly closed not allowing this “Light” to enter inside ours. That’s why we can’t find peace and happiness. Try making a move; after all, it’s not too late. Just keep going, keep rocking...never be afraid to face hardships and keep the faith in you heart and life! ---now these are part of a little yet broad REALITY of life.

The Side Road to Happiness

I kept on surfing the net tonight. I opened almost all my accounts in: Friendster, Facebook, and YM. Then when I browse my e-mails. I happen to receive this article: The Side to Happpiness. This caught my attention. I got curious how really to have the real happiness. These past few weeks, days and nights--I've been so busy and depressed. All stuffs were mixed-up into one package! Imagine that?! Oh my! O.o

So le'me share to you what I got out of this article. I haven't read it actually but I know--its a good topic to blog. :) Since, it had been long time then since the last time I blogged.

Read it please...

The Side Road to Happiness

WebMD Feature from "Psychology Today" Magazine

By Lybi Ma

You may wonder why it's so important to loosen your creative juices, but diving into innovative pursuits can be your ticket to a healthier, more joyful life. When a painter paints, for example, he becomes utterly immersed in what he is doing. This focused engagement takes deep involvement where time seems to move effortlessly. The fulfillment that provides is at the heart of happiness. Forget money and worldly possessions. They're not even close. Instead, plunging yourself in work, a hobby, or craft will get you to the bliss you're looking for.

Go With the Flow: Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi conferred the label "flow," on the mental state in which you are fully engaged in creativity. In his research on happiness and well-being, he learned that people can become so absorbed that they feel they are outside of time. Other researchers have found that the passion of such pursuits can keep you physically healthy and out of the doctor's office.

Up to the Challenge? Psychiatrist Gregory Berns of Emory University takes the idea of engagement even further. He has found that experiencing discomfort is necessary to get you to contentment, arguing that satisfaction is to some extent generated by the stress hormone cortisol's effects on the dopamine system. That's why some people derive joy from extreme challenges. Think about the marathon runner who slogs through 26 miles of pain and suffering or the crossword puzzler who gets that same feeling when everything falls in place in "Aha!" clarity.

I'm Not That Creative: Yet, you wonder, isn't creativity reserved for the likes of artists, writers, and inventors? Not so fast. We all know that kindergartners are bundles of creative energy. But all of us were once in kindergarten, weren't we? So where does this early innovation go? The truth is: We are all creative, but somewhere along the way it was beaten out of us. Finding your passion is the key; think about what moves your motor and start small. But whatever you do, start somewhere.

Creative Thinking in Suits: Granted, you may not play the cello like Yo-Yo Ma or paint like Picasso, but creative thinking can be deployed in any profession. Take sales and marketing: Each new sale requires a different approach. "If that doesn't work, I'll try this..." Corporate America knows a good thing when it sees it. Companies like Microsoft and Toyota are using the idea of flow to get the best out of their workers—with employee satisfaction and productivity in mind.

Got What It Takes? To be creative you have to be passionate about what you are doing. This passion will lead you to a more joyful life. What helps? Creative people do not live by rules, they know how to do their own thing. These people are also more open to experience and fantasy; that's why they are happy to take more risks. And remember, genius does not require a tortured spirit—Van Gogh is not the epitome of the creative soul.

Showing Up: Sometimes just showing up is all it takes. Make a time and place for your pursuit, and your body will slip into the moment as soon as you allow it. If you follow a pattern, it will become somewhat automatic. You might even find yourself pining for your easel when that time of day comes. Beyond that, stick with the program; nothing will happen if you quit in the thick of it.

Work Is Play: And play is work. Don't worry about the end product, just concentrate on the process. Fussing over finished results will get you nowhere. And don't fret over what other people might think. You're doing this for you, not for them. Think about the knitter who pulls apart a sweater just because she wants do it all over again. Sounds crazy, but it can be worth it.

Originally published on: May 7, 2007

--I'll gonna read this when I blogged this already. :) I really need this.. Good thing I subscribe to webmd. Interested? Click here to go to this site. It's really a good one. You'll never regret if you subscribe to it.

What Does my Dream Means?

Last night, I slept at 7:30P.M. It was too early with the usual time I slept the past few weeks and days which took me awake until 12mn until 3 in the morning(sometimes during school days and even weekends).

Then, at the midst of the night. I dreamed of my boyfriend(Rainuel Carlo). Honestly, I dreamed of him many times already, and sometimes consecutive 3 nights. But last night was different. It was somewhat a bad dream. :( It was like this......

I dreamed that...

He went here on our home(which he had really planned). Of course, I was so happy that he really did his promise to me. I let him stayed in my granny's house--at my cousin's(Kuya Daboy) room specifically. He saw what was my real situation at home. He saw me taking care of my niece--Baby Kaycee. I made her milk. I carried her then sang her song until she fell to sleep. I cleaned the house and he also helped(which was a good thing for me(smiled). He understood why most of the time, I wasn't able to text him--it was because I was too busy at home--with my family and studies.

I couldn't explain well why the ambiance of our place in my dream was dark. It seemed like a lonely place.

Let's go back to the story telling...

One night(on my dream), I went to my granny's house to see him but my cousin told me he went to my neighbor's house somewhere up on our place. So i went to the roadside to have a look where I could possibly see him. Then I heard music and saw disco lights not far from where I stood. I wanted to go there to fetch him since he doesn't familiarize our place but the sky was soo dark that caused me not to go but it made me worried of him.

The next morning, at 9 AM. I looked for him on my granny's house again to have a conversation with him. But I was told that he went with Kuya Daboy somewhere out. I don't know where they went. I felt sadness because I must be the one to tour him around(as a sort of bonding together). I thought maybe kuya toured him to the beautiful scenic place in our barangay. I remembered that I once told him about the view of the vast ricefield from a certain place here where the sea is soo obviously seen surrounded by the mountains of Caramoan Penninsula(which I really love to see and I wanna share to him how I really appreciate the place).I wanted to make time for him but it seemed so impossible. Yea, we might be at same place and near with one another on my dream--but why it seemed soo different? :((

On the afternoon of same day, I was on the roadside with an umbrella on my right hand. I asked again my cousin where is Carlo. Then, he told me that he was bicycling around our barangay WITH ANOTHER GIRL. They jammed together. Oh goodness! that made me soo mad! X/ Kuya told me that the girl with him was one of our neighborhoods. errr!!

So, I waited there on the roadside until I saw them with my very eyes. I saw the girl riding on a bicycle then Carlo on another bicycle. Carlo was behind her while busy pushing the pedal going up. But still I saw him smiling. He wore a blue jacket, white shorts, and rubber shoes. I really, really felt bad about it. And so, I slowly turned my head back. When I had a look at him, he saw how was my facial expression---frowned forehead, closed fists cause of anger, and confused eyes--still in disbelief on what my very eyes saw. When he turned the bicycle on the another way, he had just a look at me..then IGNORED ME. I turned my head back again with aching heart. I heard the brake on his ride on my back--sound that made me think he stopped the bicylce. I turned again but saw NO ONE behind me. No one running behind to pull my hand and face him. No one said sorry for what I saw. No one hugged me on the back..No one.. He just stopped but didn't get out of it to run after me. But rather, he put on his feet on the pedal, continued to move it, riding around..:(( I also heard that he hated staying with us and he wanted to go home in Pasig. He even made fight with my other cousin.

It was soo painful that awakened me at 3AM. It was soo heavy bearing it. It was not the Rainuel Carlo I knew and loved before. I decided to fall asleep though I felt so hard. Until, I finally lost my conciousness then fell to sleep.

I slept at mt granny's house(which at reality I really do--on my uncle's room--alone). Then, I decided to have a look on my cousin's room. I opened the door and saw my cousin soundly aslept. I turned my head to Carlo and saw him chilling from cold. I got worried and went back to my room to get my blanket then got back at my cousin'd room. I slowly put it on him, close around him to give him warm. Then, I saw him moved and he opened his eyes. I thought it was my turn after looong moment of waiting to make him near me. I asked him. "Kumusta ka na, baby? Sory nagising kita. Sige matulog ka na ulit." He answered nothing. I sat near his head and placed it on my lap. I touched his hair then sang him a love song. All I felt on that moment was---I wanted you near me, baby. Though pain was slowly killing me. Then he turned his head back facing toward me. What I saw was a real baby--a 1 year old baby. He talked to me and called me ATE BHEY. Oh my!

Finally, I woke up at 7:30 in the morning with heart breaking, with mind confusing and asking. Why was my dream like that? Why it was soo lonely? So painful having him near me? and soo different? I never think of that in reality that my situation will be like that whenever he'll be here. I never stop myself from crying while am alone in my room. I am starting to feel fear again. I am starting to think of many things. How is he going there in Baguio? How does he feel toward me at present? I never know...HOW SAD that dream made me.

I still believe that it depends upon the person. I don't know what's the reaction of my boyfriend toward this dream. It could be true or not(in some instances but not exactly as is). I trust him but I believe also that dreams have reasons. For my mysterious dream, I don't have the answer yet to all the questions running down my head. I'm soo bothered by this thought.

(sad)(sad)(sad)(sad)(sad)(sad)(sad)(sad)(sad)

Baby Kaycee..WELCOME to the world.. :* Tita Bhey LOVES YOU ALOT!

Last August 9, 2009 my sister gave birth to her first daughter, Kaycee. I'm very happy of having her to the family. But know what? It was a hard delivery in the part of my sister. She almost had a dry labor! O_O One of the saddest fact was that, the baby was in critical condition when she came out. She had eaten her own stole while inside of my sister's womb. The baby was over due. :( It was very painful in our part to know that our little angel Kaycee would suffer such thing. As my mother told us the whole story, I felt that my body shaken. My sister wasn't able to walk or get up. The most hurting I heard was to know that baby Kaycee was inside the Nursery Intensive Care Unit(NICU) in the BMC Hospital in Naga City. An oxygen apparatus and dextrose were attached to her. She looked so pale and seemed that she wouldn't able to live anymore. My mother felt hopeless yet it hurt her alot seeing the baby on that condition. The pain was undefined. It hurt me soooo much! :'( I PRAYED ALOT for their safety and recovery. All of us prayed. We had a pray-over activity inside the house which was led by my Aunt. Afterwards, I, together with my three bothers, had a Holy Rosary Prayer.

Until school days, I even brought that pain in the school. What should be the appropriate emotion to feel? I couldn't pretend that I didn't care! I love my sister and the same way with her daughter. I LLOOVVEE then both..

Prayer would always be the most powerful healing way. GOD is GREAT. Our prayers were heard. GOD felt our pains.



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HALE YOU OH LORD! PRAISE YOU! YOU"RE THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL! I BELIEVE IN YOUR POWER, MIGHT, GLORY, MIRACLES, HOPE and LOVE.

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Yesterday, August 16, 2009--they went HOME! It was amazing that baby Kaycee had a fast recovery inside the hospital. The doctor didn't recommend her any vitamins. :) Cutie, cutie, cutie little angel sent from heaven. She would gonna be a strong lady someday. I felt very excited and happy to see my sister and Kaycee. I gave my sister a BIG HUG and SWEET KISSES on the cheeks. Baby Kaycee looked little in size, has fair complexion and hairy skin. She's adorable. :) I was distracted then from reviewing my notes for the exams. Oh well! I didn't mind it much. (is it a good idea? na-ah! have a second thought on it gal.) I kept on having glimpse over the baby. Who doesn't love babies? Seeing the way she moved her cute lips, the kicks of her tiny yer strong legs, movements of her hands and head. EVERYTHING about her would always be LOVELY! :D As a fact that would never be changed. I even changed her pampers when it got wet. Lola Nena was the one who cleaned her poo-poo. :D I don't know it yet, someday I will for sure! :D) I watched over her while all of them had their dinner.

I want to make sure that baby Kaycee will grow healthy, beautiful and SMART lass. I'll do everything I could to make that so. I'll gonna read Child Psychology books to help my sister guide Kaycee to have a healthy mind and joyful moments with us and everyone else she'll gonna meet. I even want to teach her to play the piano and all stuff possible to be taught. Isn't it great? I know it is. Right? :D

I love you sooo much baby Kaycee! Tita Bhey loves and cares for you alot.

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Dreams and Memories

As I let him to be part of my life. I told myself that I would not look for someone who'll be greater tahn him. There might be still be some whom I could say greater than he does, though he wasn't that expressive, him alone was enough, more than it meant to everyone else. I love for the reason.."I give not only my love but also my life." This shows that love is risky, difficult, most of the time painful, too. But "love and happiness" still win.

RISKY in a way that I might grab chances out of the real circumstances that might bring changes to everything that flows and happens around me, and with the people I dwell with. DIFFICULT because simply chained with "risk-taking." Sometimes I'm caught in a situation where I find it hard to escape from. I have to decide what should be the right thing to do. PAIN is definitely the saddest part. Sometimes my attempts are not successful. Thus, frustration and disappointments area about to reach my heart and mind that will surely bring tears to my eyes. LOVE and HAPPINESS are the greatest thing of all. After the tears there is laughter and joy, after the mourning--new life comes. LOVE is the reason why I keep on trying and trying, taking risks hundreds of times, even in facing difficulties and sacrifices. I have my dignity to stand in everything and anything I want to happen with my life. Anyway, it's my decision. It is me who will decide and judge, not anyone else. It's me who'll take my own route. HAPPINESS is the fruit of all these stuffs. Once a mission is successfully done and accomplished--it brings satisfaction. Isn't it? After all the difficulties, success awaits me in the end. It will be in my bare hands, tightly holding it letting it not t o escape. SATISFACTION is in the peak of the road as long as there is the repayment of every action done. Repaid on a way, I can feel that he feels what I intend to make him feel; and vice versa. People are really different individuals. We can not hold nor control one's emotion and behavior.

I give love because I want to be loved;

I care because I want to be protected and cared;

I sacrifice to show how strong I am to fight for what I am really fighting for;
I smile to give others reason not to cry;
I want to give my sweetest yet simple hugs and kisses to warm him and make him feel that he's not alone;
That he has always companion when he'll be in my little arms;
I giggle to make him feel that I am happy with him..

♫♥♪ Bottomline: ♫♥♪

I wrote this when last 19th of July year 2008. When I was on my adjustment stage from a heartache. My boyfriend and I broke up several times already and yet we are together again at present times.

What Is A Real Man?

A real man is a man who honestly tries to live up to the best he knows.
A real man has the humility of CHRIST.
He is never proud no matter how great he is.
A real man talks little, but does much.
He is dependable.
A real man works honestly.
He hates get-rich-quick schemes or
crooked politicians and influence peddlers.
A real man never shows that he is more intelligent than the other man.
He does not judge the other people.
A real man loves his neighbor as he loves himself.
A real man is loyal to his friends.
He sticks to them for better or for worse, through thick and thin.
A real man is patient.
He endures what cannot be helped.
A real man does not hurt woman; physically and morally.
He loves but once and faithfully.
A real man is well, he is the paragon of men.
I know you're a REAL MAN..

Isn't it beautiful? oh! I really love this poem. I had read it from my a certain writing that was made by a lady to her lover. Their love story is very complicated. It's really true that no matter you like to be with someone if God doesn't plan it, it wouldn't really happen no matter how he push it thru.

Everything that was written came from the heart. Can't you feel it? Well, I did. It's too good to think to have a man who has those kinds of characteristics above. A GOD-FEARING, gentleman, loving, respectful, kind and down-to-earth. :)

My present boyfriend is a good guy. He has it all. Though I know he isn't perfect, so am I. Right?(No one does!) I am still thankful of having him in my life. Things that happen in our relationship may not be according always to what we plan, still we hold on and trust one another. :D